11192017Headline:

I’m Only Doing A Top Ten Because No One Thought of It…

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I’m glad you’re here. As it happens, I was deciding on whether to eat the twins’ leftover pancake, or treat myself to something really special and eat an entire bag of mini doughnuts. But if I stop typing, I’ll be eating. And if I’m eating, I’m not typing. So. Fine.

I’ll be right back….

Ok, so you’re probably here for the top ten list. I wasn’t going to do it, but then I thought, “No, Paige. No. The lovely Readers, they stop by and spend their valuable time trying to figure out what the hell you mean most of the time. They deserve the best. Nay, the better of the best. Write that top ten list. Write it and don’t look back.”

Sorry, doughnut break. *sounds of intermission music*

Anywho, I read on the news that no one is doing a top ten list this year. Put down that Google. It’s like you don’t even trust me. So, like I was saying, no one’s doing a top ten, therefore put on your party hats and lets party like it’s 1999…

Which means I’ll wait for my ride and poke at my braces until someone picks me up and I can go home and look at all my Hanson posters, while everyone freaks out about the end of the world brought upon us by ill-programmed computers.

After this doughnut.

Paige’s Top Ten Moments of 2012

10.) Kanye and Kim Kardashian are expecting. The news broke (for me) this morning, and I can barely contain myself. I needed something to fill in the number ten spot, and there they were. Thanks for squeaking it in, guys. Kate Middleton and I were getting tired of debating whether her pregnancy or mine got more coverage this year.
9.) I turned twenty-eight this past summer. Which means I’ll be twenty-nine in 2013, and thirty in 2014. Do with that what you will.

8.) Going hand-in-hand with number nine, I grew my first saddlebag this year. I’ve named him General Jasper Bocephus Beauregard Henry Clayton the First.

7.) Butch and Sundance turned two, which means they’ll soon be three. This also means I’ll lose my mind in 2013. Stay tuned for those incoherent cries for help in the form of blog posts.

6.) We found out our house is sinking. Stay tuned to see if we fix this in 2013, or if the Split-level goes straight into the ground. I’ve always thought everyone should take a year off and experience living in a hole.

“So, John, I heard you just spent a year studying the wedding customs of the Howler monkies in Tibet.”

“I did.”

“Well, sorry to be a one-upper, old man, but I spent this past year in a hole. ”

5.) I discovered being pregnant for a second time, and gave up smoking and drinking for nine months. In other news, liquor stores reported a fifty-percent decrease in business, and the tobacco companies had to raise everyone else’s pack by a dollar to make up for lost revenue.

4.) Spent the summer writing various letters to other people at the pool.

3.) Husband and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary and fifth year together. I spend the rest of the year explaining to the general public how it’s possible to have three kids in three years, in only two pregnancies.

2.) In the span of two months, our new cars are hit a total of three times, by other drivers. We’d like to think this exempts us from accidents in 2013, but Husband and my combined luck, if rendered in vibrant watercolor, would look like a footless rabbit hitting itself in the face with a mirror while it hops under a ladder….tentatively titled, “Objects In Mirror Are Worse Than They Appear”.

1.) Doc is born. A fat and well-liked baby, he will, no doubt be a major player in 2013’s production of, “He Learned to Crawl: The moving story of one baby’s journey to side with his brother and sister, in an effort to over-throw parental government and declare cookies for breakfast.” I hear it’s a dramedy.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

She also hides out on Twitter and Facebook.

 


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